you're pestered all year by kids who want to know what the theme for THIS year is?
you find yourself thinking that one corpse is more attractive than another?
you get more excited over a fog machine than a dirty movie?
you have more help at your haunt than necessary for an old-fashioned barn raising?
you have more than ten sound effect CD's?
you have names for the skeletons in your closet?
you play spooky music all year round?
you spend more on one Halloween than on your entire wedding?
you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse for the entire history of your marriage?
you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse's anniversary?
you try to make Fido look like a hellhound every Halloween?
your neighbors look slantways at you and avoid you a full month before Halloween?
your shed, basement, & attic contain nothing but Halloween props?
the only candelabra you own is in a spider web motif?
there a monster under your bed because your attic/basement/shed is full?
your electric bill higher in October than in July?
the family dog ignores masked individuals breaking into your house?
you see haunt possibilities with every road kill you cause.... ( oh, I mean)...see
instead of giving your child a cat or dog did you give them a gargoyle to play with?
your neighbors are asked about Halloween, do they roll their eyes and point at your house?
the guy at the paint counter at the hardware store sees you coming and starts stacking gallon cans of flat black on the counter.
you go to "Goth Night" at a local club, armed with a pocketful of "volunteer recruitment" flyers.
you can't watch a horror movie without jotting down ideas every two minutes.
you're nervous about taking rolls of film in to be developed, for fear the police might show up at your house looking for the corpses that the developer clued them in to.
you have a room in your house reserved for special props/projects, and won't allow anyone in there because it'll "spoil the Halloween surprise!"
you scare other family members or neighbors on a regular basis, often without meaning to.
your ideal pet would be a black cat, a tarantula, a snake, a bat, or a rat.
people refuse to walk into your house at night.
people refuse to walk into your house in broad daylight!
you have a customized license plate that has something to do with Halloween.
you start actually setting up your yard haunt in August...
you still aren't finished on Halloween, but it'll do. Gotta start earlier next year...
you cannot throw ANYTHING away that could even CONCEIVABLY be used to scare someone. (Even if you don't know how yet...)
you judge homes by how well a haunt could be set up in them.
the boys in the white coats are afraid to come in your yard
your children turn their bedroom into a giant spider web by stringing yarn everywhere and pretend to attack when you get tangled in it.
your 4 year old announces to the class that he/she wants to be a Vampire when he/she grows up.
your toddler's first word is "REDRUM"
the Kids hiss at each other and make claws with their hands when they fight.
it's not uncommon to see "Barbi" hanging in a Noose in you're daughters room.
your teenageer wants his/her "own" coffin....
"Addams Family" books are the most commonly read children's books laying around.
you still think your kids are well adjusted....
You check out this web site in August!
More to come...
__________________
All opinions stated in my posts are just that...my opinions...and should not be held in any way as the opinions of the CEPF Board of Directors or of anyone other than myself. - Rev. Heidi Andrews VP CEPF
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
__________________
All opinions stated in my posts are just that...my opinions...and should not be held in any way as the opinions of the CEPF Board of Directors or of anyone other than myself. - Rev. Heidi Andrews VP CEPF
'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed, With thoughts of amusement going through my head. Turned off my computer and thought as I may Of vampires of old and vampires of today. Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties, Of course trick or treating (hope they don't hand out Smarties). And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear, So that old haunted house, I will never go near. When you see spooky places, just take my advice, And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.
So don't risk your life going looking for spooks, Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks. Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink. Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.
Now put on that costume and dress yourself up. You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup. But be very careful or else you might see That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.
So now you can think, as you turn out that light That there's no such thing and that you are all right. Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...
Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?
__________________
All opinions stated in my posts are just that...my opinions...and should not be held in any way as the opinions of the CEPF Board of Directors or of anyone other than myself. - Rev. Heidi Andrews VP CEPF
Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell
How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her "W"
When a witch lands, where does she park? In a broom closet.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom? She flies off the handle.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? You hear the broom boom.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle? She got spaced out
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!
What do witches use on their hair? Scare spray
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away
What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch.
What did the bat say to the witch's hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween? They practice pitchcraft.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!
__________________
All opinions stated in my posts are just that...my opinions...and should not be held in any way as the opinions of the CEPF Board of Directors or of anyone other than myself. - Rev. Heidi Andrews VP CEPF
